Triggers

There are moments when you are okay, when you feel kind of normal, when you have your routine down and you're getting shit done and you think, "I'm okay". And then it hits. There's a trigger of some kind, any kind, and you lose it. It always happens when I am alone and no one knows it but me.

May 4th marked the six month point when Jimmy, Matt and Kevin were killed. Anniversaries of this kind suck. I now understand why people say their baby's age in months even after it surpasses a year, like say 20 months. The moment you put years into your dialogue means that real time has passed. I feel the same way about Jimmy's death. I don't want for November 4th, 2016 to be more than months away. It can't be possible that he has been gone for that long. Six months is such a short...but also a long time. Since November 4th Trump was elected (Lord have mercy), I moved back to the US, Jimmy's friends have gotten engaged, pregnant and married...

World, please stop moving!

This whole process of loss evolves. Some things that weren't hard before are now hard all of a sudden, like hearing Jimmy's voice.

I found this gem on accident a couple weeks ago and spent the following two hours in the fetal position, unconsolable. What would normally be a funny video had me in tears... it was the first time I had heard Jimmy's laugh since I don't know how long.

So here we are...this inflection point where it would be nice if I could wrap this up in a concise, shareable life lesson about loss and grieving.

I'll do my best... Isn't that the life lesson, actually?

All I've got is to share what I am doing to put one foot in front of the other...

Right now, in addition to my day job(s), I am working on a passion project that I hope to have in a physical form soon. It addresses the realm of communicating to people like me who are going through the shit people like me are going through...all in response to the amazing reaction I've received from this blog.

So I'll cut to the chase: cards are coming soon and the proceeds will go to a cause near and dear to my heart. If you want to see more you can follow me on IG where I tend to overshare my personal life: https://www.instagram.com/melissakaymoriarty/

xo,

MKM

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